Satire

Modi’s Speech to BJP’s Election Committee Members

Dear committee members. Welcome. The next general elections are just a month away and it seems our approval ratings have picked up, thanks to television talk shows and tweets by actors, actresses and cricketers against our mortal enemy: the truth. 
Indeed some of you must be thinking why I am calling ‘truth’ our mortal enemy. Well, if so, then you shouldn’t be in politics. Truth has nothing to do with politics. It is the enemy of politics and thus the enemy of BJP and thereby the enemy of India. 



Why? Well, because the truth is 
overrated. In fact the truth is not the truth at all. It’s a lie. So, dear members, logically speaking, actually our mortal enemy is the lie. 

Audience: (Loud applause)   
Thank you, thank you, dear members and fellow saviors of Hind. I am glad you appreciate my brilliance. I promise to let each one of you take a selfie with me and become an honorary member of my weekly yoga class. 
So, dear members, listen carefully to your dear leader. As I was saying, the lie is our mortal enemy. But a lie which is mistaken as the truth. And the truth is that the truth should be presented as a lie and a lie as a truth. I hope you understand exactly what I am saying. Do you?

Audience: (Yes, dear leader, we do)
Good. Because I don’t.

Audience: (Yes, dear leader, neither do we)  
You don’t? 
(Silence) 
That’s quite alright. You see, I am a very complex and deep man. Hard to understand. But millions and trillions of Indians, upper-caste Hindu Indians mind you, understand me on an instinctive level. So dear members, I urge you to develop your instinct. Your intuition. And your biceps.
Become like me. A perfect embodiment of a sharp mind and an erogenous body. It was through this mind and with this body that I engineered numerous surgical attacks on our mortal enemy. Can you tell me who our mortal enemy is?

Audience: (The truth!)
No, no. Pakistan.

A member: (Pakistan is the truth?)
No, no, Pakistan is the lie. As I said the truth is actually a lie. And the truth is, we have succeeded in hammering Pakistan with ingenious surgical strikes.

Another member: (So, dear leader, since the truth is a lie then this means there were no surgical strikes?)
Silence! You all call yourselves proud Hindu nationalists, and yet have no clue about the complexities of this beautiful ideology? Our mortal enemy is the truth. But the truth is a lie. And when I said that the surgical strikes were the truth I meant it was a lie which, I said, is actually the truth, understand?

Audience: (Silence) 
Look at all these tweets by Anupam Kher, Gautam Gambhir, Harbhajan Singh and so many other Indian cricketers and Bollywood stars. They all understand what I am saying. Why can’t you?
This is disconcerting. I think the Pakistanis might have infiltrated this committee. If not, then I sense there are some of you here who sympathize with the Kashmiris and even secretly store beef in your refrigerators. 

Audience: (Never, dear leader, never!)
Good. Otherwise, like in all advanced, shining and civilized societies, we would have had to lynch you. Nevertheless, I would like to quote a brilliant man, even though, he is not as brilliant as me…

Audience: (Never, dear leader, never!)    
Yes, yes, thank you. So, as I was saying, I would like to read a quote from perhaps 21st century’s most astute intellectual, philosopher and gymnast: Tarek Fatah. He once said: You Muslim terrorist child of Aladdin must be wiped out oh shut up your face! 
I urge you to spend time in determining the meaning in this complex and intricate statement. Then, compare it with a statement made by a Pakistani philosopher, intellectual and freestyle wrestler: Oreo M. Jinn. He said, You Hindu terrorist child of Ravana must be wiped out oh shut up your face!  
This is the kind of rich intellectual discourse that needs to be appreciated. And do you know why I am saying this?

Audience: (Never, dear leader, never!)    
No, no, that’s the wrong response, dear members. Tell me why I said what I just said.

A member: (Because we gave the wrong response, dear leader).
No, no, why did I say before saying that it was the wrong response?

Audience: (Because you are a genius, savior of India, Jai Hind!)
That I am. I said that this kind of discourse should be encouraged because the truth is a lie and a lie is the truth so I lie. Understand?

A member: (The truth is terrorist child of lie must be wiped out oh shut up your face!)  
Very good, very good. Finally you all get it. Now repeat after me. No to Pakistani singers in India.

Audience: (No to Pakistani singers in India)
No to cricket matches with Pakistan.

Audience: (No to cricket matches with Pakistan). 
No to tomato exports to Pakistan. 

Audience: (No to tomato exports to Pakistan). 
No to truth!

Audience: (No to truth)
Yes to lies that are actually true.

A member: (Oh brilliant yogi, does this mean that if someone says we lie they are actually saying the truth?)
No, you imbecile! Why don’t you move to Pakistan? It is because of fools like you that BJP might lose the coming election. Why did so many of our soldiers lay down their lives? For our election victory, that’s why! 

Audience: (That’s the truth, dear leader, that’s the truth!)
Yes, and?

Audience: (And that’s actually a lie which is actually the truth, actually!)
Yes. Very good. Actually. Thus, we will never let anything come in our way to make India great.

Audience: (Never, great leader, never!)
Actually, we will make India great. 

Audience: (Actually, dear leader, actually we will). 
But never let Pakistan stop us, unless it’s an election year and we need to make them stop us even if they don’t want to.

Audience: (Yes, dear leader, yes, actually!)
Good. Now go and tweet good things about me and bad things about Pakistan. Tweet with surgical precision. Jai Hind! 


The writer is a Pakistani journalist, cultural critic and satirist. He is the author of two books ‘End of the Past’ and ‘The Pakistan Anti-Hero.’ 
E-mail: [email protected]

 

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